Stories written by Schulzie

Kids SEE the Darndest Things
Written by Schulzie

I don't consider myself wealthy by any means. Yes, I had made some money. I used to own a computer software company. Hiring some damn clever programmers and paying them well meant that my company created some very popular and lucrative software. When a major corporation wanted to buy me out, there was no way I was going to turn down seven million dollars. No, sir. That meant I could retire at the ripe old age of 32 and enjoy plenty of years leading the kind of life I wanted to live. With careful management and investment of my money, I wouldn't have to worry for the rest of my life.

One major purchase I have made since I came into my so-called "riches" is my beachfront property on the gulf. I'm not talking about some extravagant mansion by the sea nor am I talking about a little bungalow. I live in a moderately sized house, roomy and spacious, comfortably furnished, with a view of the sunset in the evenings that is breathtakingly gorgeous. I live here alone. As of yet, I have no one to share this house with.

Don't misunderstand. I do see lots of women. Funny how money attracts some women. Before I had money, I could attract women. But it always took a certain amount of effort on my part. Nothing out of the ordinary, mind you, just the usual wining and dining ritual most men have to go through. But with a little money, a nice house and a fancy car, women seem to crawl out of the woodwork. I now seem to do less finessing and more fucking. Not a bad life, huh? Except every now and then, I think I might like to settle down and enjoy the married life. But trying to distinguish between sincere women and the golddiggers out there is a tough task. So, I continue to live the life of a bachelor until Ms. Right comes along.

I do have an extended family across the country though. Lots of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, cousins and more cousins. I have extended an open invitation to all to come and visit me here at the ocean. They are all welcome to stay here, even if I'm out of town. As I've told them all, "Mi casa es su casa."

Some of my relatives have visited, some have not. Certainly no one has taken advantage of my invitation to the point where I began to regret having invited them. But I was surprised the day the phone rang, and I discovered some "long-lost" cousins out west. Turns out they were related to an aunt on my mother's side who had married...well, you get the picture. They were distant cousins. I was amazed that they had heard about my open invitation and assumed it applied to them as well. Jesus, I didn't even know these people and they wanted to come stay at my house. I could have said, "No, fuck you!" I suppose. But I'm not like that.

So, I'm talking to Cousin Betty on the phone and she said that she and her husband, Elbert (I almost busted out laughing when she told me his name was Elbert), were planning a getaway vacation - sort of a second honeymoon - and were wondering if I would let the kids stay here at my place for a week. Damn, the nerve of some people. Here, I don't even know these people, and not only do they want me to open my house to them, they want me to babysit! I had a million excuses to give to Cousin Betty why I couldn't take the kids, but I never really got a chance to use any of them. Betty loved to talk and talk and talk. She spent a good part of the time telling me about her kids.

"Rick," she said to me over the phone," you will just love the twins, Kristi and Kara. They are so precious!"

I rolled my eyes at that comment. Yeah, I thought, all kids are precious, aren't they?

"They just turned 10 a few weeks ago, but they are very mature for their age."

Great. That means I'll be babysitting a couple of little smart-mouthed wise asses.

"And they really can take care of themselves. Of course, Sissy will be there to help."

"Sissy? Who's Sissy", I asked.

"That's our oldest. Don't you remember Sissy? We brought her along with us when we attended your brother's wedding. Of course, she was just a baby then. She's 15 now. Her real name is Clarissa, but the twins started to call her Sissy when they were little and the name just stuck."

Let me see, I thought to myself, Betty wants me to take care of two spoiled brats and one pimply-faced adolescent named Sissy. Good Lord, no way. I started to explain why I wouldn't be able to take the kids when Betty hit my conscience hard, below the belt. She invoked the name of my mother.

"As your mother always said, Rick, Blood is thicker than water,' and I knew they'd be better off staying with a member of the family than with one of the neighbors."

She just had to go and mention my mother. Dear Mom. Mom was a "family person," and coming from an Irish tradition, her motto was, "There's always room for one more."

How could I say no now? And desecrate my dear mother's memory, not to mention tread on sacred family tradition? I agreed to watch the kids.

So several weeks later I was standing at the airport waiting for the kids to arrive. Betty and Elbert sent the girls down and made arrangements with me to pick them up. As I said, I was standing there, holding a sign - you know, like the limo drivers do - with "SHEA" written on it - waiting for the girls to get off the plane.

The twins were easy to spot. They were identical twins. Each had light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles and big, bright smiles. They both spotted my sign at the same time and started waving and shouting, "Uncle Rick! We're here!" They came running over to me and nearly knocked me over as they both gave me tremendous hugs, one on either side of me.

"Where's Sissy?" I asked the girls.

"Oh, she's back there talking to the pilot or something. She'll be here in a minute," one of them said to me.

Then the other one said, "Do you know which one of us is which, Uncle Rick?"

Well, of course, I didn't. So I just guessed. "Uh...you're Kristi and you're Kara," I said, pointing to each in turn.

"Nope," they both giggled.

"Okay, then you're Kara and you're Kristi."

"No, try again!" they both laughed.....(cont)