How she got that way isn't that much of a surprise, not with the life she'd had, the selfish and domineering men she'd been around. Our father, rest his soul, died of a bad shot of heroin. Other family members had watched over her but the pain had never been talked out and resolved for her. Instead, she'd taken it all in and now was in the same trap. I wasn't much help either.

When I visited after four years' absence, Tammy met me at the door. "Hi Uncle Jim!" she spouted happily. The smell hit me instantly, even after what was in the hallway.

The apartment was pretty bad too, as one can imagine. Dirty, smelly, trash laying around, dishes in the sink with an odor of not being washed in a long time wafting from the sink. I could smell the meth too. Not something I'd likely ever forget. Alas, would that I could say I didn't understand it, but I did. I had been there.

"You sure have grown. How's my little monkey?" I asked, rubbing her head.

"Oo, oo, oo, oo," she answered, scratching under an arm. She remembered me and the zoo alright.

"Mom's busy in the bedroom," she told me. "Can we play a game?"

Only eight, she was very smart, reading the rules off the box for my education, but she had the eyes of someone much older, much too lived in. Haunting is the best way to describe the look she had. I didn't realize things had gotten this bad.

Half an hour later some man came out, grinned at me and hurried out the door. Tammy didn't look up, concentrating on the game board with an angry look to her. A few minutes later Merinda came out, brushing damp hair out of her bloodshot eyes. Gawd she was a mess. It was such a shock to see her half strung out and half loaded up with whatever she had running in her veins I wasn't sure I wanted to recognize her as my sister. But there she was, no denying anything.

"Thas you, Uncle Jim?" she slurred out.

"Yes it's me. What's up?" I asked.

"Usual suff," she answered. "Tammy, go to your room."

"But Mom!" Tammy got out angrily.

"I said go to your room!" Merinda yelled. "Get going before I tan your little fanny."

"Bye uncle Jim," she said sadly, a look of desperation and submission on her face. "Will you be here ..."

"I told you to get to your room!" Merinda nearly screamed, grabbing her daughter by the shoulder and pushing her roughly.

If I thought seeing Merinda half wasted was bad, yelling at her daughter was worse.

We looked at each other for a minute. Merinda got all sad looking as she sat beside me.

"It's hard living in the city," she said. "I had a job for awhile but it didn't do nothin'. School was a drag and the welfare people were always poking around, messin' with my head, you know. I quit that shit."

"And the shit you're in now is somehow better?" I asked, a lot calmer that I felt inside.

"Welfare don't pay much. Can't even afford this dump," she said, waving her hand. "Had to do sumpin.'"

"Sumpin, huh?" I commented. "Selling you body for drugs is something? You had promise, you're smart, you have family. What the fuck you doing this for?"

"Don't get all preachy with me!" she spat out. "You don't know how hard it is."

"You're right about that, I don't know how hard it is. To be you. I had a hard enough time with crack as it was but I got over it," I told her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heard it, done it. Fuck it."

"Damn it, Merinda!" I yelled before I could stop myself. "Stop the drugs and come home with me. I got room. I'll help get you back in school. Help get you cleaned up as best I can. You don't need to be doing this kinda shit."

"Oh fuck off, mister high and mighty. So you stopped. You did it. Hell, you fucked me up so don't get all shitty with me!"

"Yes and I'm sorry I did. That was a long time ago and I was ... well, I wasn't myself then. I was using pretty heavy."

"Yeah, and for a dime bag you used me. Only thing I got now."

We argued for awhile but nothing was going to get past the drugs. Finally I just shut up and let her ramble on, getting madder by the minute as she explained away her need, her addictions, her giving up. I had enough. ......(cont)