The first night, we were both tired after the journey. After dinner, we went back to our suite. We checked the television listings, but could not find anything worth watching. I began reading the information about the hotel, and found they had a collection of videos to rent. I rang down, and arranged with reception for "Mary Poppins", my Mum's all time favourite film, to be sent up, with a good bottle of wine. When it arrived, I popped the tape into the set, and switched on. I then went through my bedroom to my bathroom for a pee. When I came back I looked at the TV in amazement. This was no Mary Poppins. On screen I could see a beautiful blonde, naked, taking the biggest cock I'd ever seen in my life into her mouth - and she didn't seem to need any spoonfuls of sugar to help that medicine down. I glanced at Mum - her eyes huge, she was staring at the screen in fascination.

"They've sent the wrong video", I managed to say, rather obviously as I moved towards the set. "I'll ring and tell them to send the right one up." I looked at the box. It definitely said "Mary Poppins."

"Don't do that," said Mum in a small voice. "It's fascinating."

I sat beside her on the sofa, flicked the remote control to rewind the tape, and began to watch from the beginning. She was right. It was fascinating. Especially for a young, inexperienced but highly impressionable boy whose only experience of sex so far had been self-inflicted.

The plot, if such a word is not too grand, was as follows. Wife (the blonde) is left by husband, who goes to work. She starts to masturbate. Window cleaner appears at bedroom window and sees her. He rings the doorbell and asks for a bucket of clean water. She answers the door dressed only in a flimsy, filmy negligee, asks him in, and next thing he is in the bedroom with her. (Don't ask how or why - just hang on to willing suspension of disbelief)! He undresses - this is where I came in - and she takes the biggest cock I'd ever seen in my life (not that I'm an expert on cock sizes, you understand) into her mouth. After a spectacular ejaculation, more reminiscent of a fire-hose than anything, they start to fuck. Wife's friend - a redhead, who presumably has her own key since nothing so mundane as answering the door takes place, enters, sheds her clothes PDQ, and sits on wife's face while window cleaner gives the wife a good licking in, as they say, the nether regions. Enter - you've guessed it - husband, who generally joins in the fun, using the second biggest cock I'd ever seen in my life in an orifice I had previously associated only with egress, not ingress, and certainly not congress! I'm sure you've got the idea. Anyway, the tape ended with both men feeding the birds in a way old Mary P never thought of!

What do you say when you finish watching a pornographic movie with an erection like a flagpole and your mother by your side?